Farmads

‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone
flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and
I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they
weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in
their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my
wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I
stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to
uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I
said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in
without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last
night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The
Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that
shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a
nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m
describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come
clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I
started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first
time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night
about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she
walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen
one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her
head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran
outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison
standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my
gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back
was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out
bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his
business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his
head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I
heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy.

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they
wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You
were worried for nothing.”

2. When everyone goes around to say what they
are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say
anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen,
toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce
that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several
hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary,
insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5.
Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad’s not
looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes
into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6.
Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to
exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.